Tag Archives: life

We don’t matter

This is my encounter with Domestic Violence and how many of us feel about Ray Rice, the NFL and Domestic Violence.


We don’t matter.




I witnessed the stabbing death of a woman in front of me. It was a moment in my life I will be pressed to forget. Her dark hair stained in the deep scarlet waters gushing out of her neck. Her eyes focused on a point beyond our consciousness. A man standing over her dripping in the lifeline of her existence, almost like a prized Matador admiring his victory over a beast. From the dark underlying of a car, I quietly wept for this stranger and her untimely demise petrified that he might suddenly turn around and notice the owl eyes – frightened to death – documenting the actions of the devil within him. She slowly moved her head in my direction as a cold sweat ran down my face. Can she see me? Does she know I’m here? You’re not alone I whispered almost praying that she could hear me. As desperate terror swept thru my veins, my eyes were fixed on her face – beautiful, innocent, undeserving of this ending. Big brown almond eyes, deep in sorrow, big full pink lips, tainted with red, a lipstick she never intended to wear. Skin as white as milk losing more its luster with each passing second. I laid there wondering who she was, why this happened, how little I could actually help her. But the most terrifying thing of all? I liked it. Her death just made me feel alive. More alive than I’ve ever been…

Diary Entry- I’m Awake

I’ve never felt normal. Even in my most comfortable state, I’ve always felt like I was never entirely part of what others were doing around me. For almost 30 years, I’ve fought against my own feelings of inadequacy and strived to fit in. Fit into the schedule that life dictates for us – go to school, graduate, get a good job, meet someone, get married, have children and build a family. Be a wife, be a mother, be like everyone else. That’s the prescription for life, right? Build yourself then give yourself to other people. The one thing that I keep asking myself even as I write this is – when did I stop dreaming? When did I start wanting what everyone wants? That perfect life, that perfect family, the perfect job, the expensive house, the expensive car. Is that really what I want? Is that what my life is supposed to amount to? Some people strive in a life of normalcy. To them, this is what life is supposed to be and what life ought to be. They strive in the ordinary nuances of life. They excel in doing what is expected of them. They, unlike me, have it figured out as I sit in a corner jealous of their success.

The thing with me is that I’ve never felt entirely satisfied. I’ve loved people and still felt empty. I’ve been loved and still felt a void. I’m good at my job. I make 6 figures when some of my friends are struggling to get by and yet I feel a profound boredom; a boredom that money or vacations can’t seem to fulfill. Some might call me selfish, ungrateful or even idiotic for feeling this way because I’m entirely blessed and find myself in a position that a lot of ppl are fighting to get to. But what is life if you don’t take risks? An endless loop of monotony. I don’t want to live like that. I don’t want to look back and regret a single day of my existence. I’m tired of having my yesterday look like my today and looking exactly like my tomorrow. Some people are OK with this, some are great at this and most are better than me at this. Me? I can’t. I can’t continue to feel like a sheep in an endless, never-changing pasture. They say that the only person who holds you back from your destiny is you. You are the creator of your future. One day, long ago, I stopped dreaming. One day, long ago, I stopped believing. And ever since then I’ve been a walking zombie going thru the motions of the every day. I no longer wish to do that. I, for the first time in almost 30 years, have begun dreaming again. If your dreams don’t scare you, they’re not big enough. I finally feel like I’ve awaken from my slumber. I’m finally beginning to really feel alive.

In a few months, I will be packing my bags and heading off into the unknown. Am I scared? Absolutely! But I told myself that I would never let fear cripple my vision. Do I know what I’m getting myself into? Hell no. Do I know I will succeed at whatever I end up doing? Abso-fucking-lutely. I never leave room for failure in my life. I fall down 7 times, I get up 8 times. I’m about to go grab life by the balls and it feels good as hell.