noun \ˌek-ˌspek-ˈtā-shən, ik-\
: a belief that something will happen or is likely to happen
: a feeling or belief about how successful, good, etc., someone or something will be
We’ve all heard it before – No expectations, no disappointments. I think most of us would like to think that we practice this motto on a consistent basis; that it is an integral part of our emotional survival. If I don’t expect anything from a person, there is no chance of being disappointed, of being hurt. For a really long time, I found myself living by these words. They dominated (and still do to an extend) the way I look at people in my life. The less I expect from them, the better off I’ll be. Or at least I’ll like to think that. Hmmm, expectations. They can rip our hearts out and fk our brains up. It’s like if we think that believing something good can come out of a relationship, that thought will only lead us to more pain; a self-inflicted pain.
I’m tired of living in a world where I’m afraid of really loving someone, of expecting that person to do right by me, to be good to me, to meet my expectations of he and I. If I don’t expect goodness, loyalty, respect and support from you then what am I really getting out of this? I think a lot of us, women in particular, have this distorted feeling that we don’t deserve to be loved or really deserve the love we can have; grandiose fucking love, real fucking love, life-changing love, you and I love. Because we’re afraid of setting the proper expectations. The idea of expecting these things will only hinder our relationships – or so we’re forced to think. How many times have you felt something so deeply in your chest and decided against expressing those feelings out of this fear? Fear of rejection, fear of pressuring that person? Just plain old fear. You rather bury those feelings than face them head on – this is a mixture of fear of rejection and “outlandish” expectations. When I was younger, I would always think that if I just never expected anything from another person, I would never be hurt by them. Boy, that sure as hell didn’t work out. I got hurt regardless. It happened. It still happens. Expectations are feelings and if there’s one thing that I do know is that feelings cannot be controlled. I’ve tried and I’ve failed miserably. So after getting my heart broken once and stomped on a few other times, why shouldn’t I expect great things from that person I’m going to cautiously open my life and heart to again? Am I weighted down so significantly by my past failures that I don’t even give this person a real chance by unconsciously expecting it to bad? Am I going to lose out on something potentially wonderful because I’m too afraid of expecting the right things from him? I ask myself these questions every single day. My heart and my head are constantly battling each other over these feelings/expectations.
This is what I’ve realized as I’ve gotten older – if you don’t have certain expectations, you are only setting yourself up for failure. I’m not saying you have or should expect the same things from everyone. Hell No. Some people deserve nothing from you. But I do believe that we should start having faith in one another and have hope that things will work for the best. Don’t be blind or naïve but understand that it’s ok to want something to work out. To want someone by your side who not only meets your expectations but exceeds them. To want to be happy. To want to be loved. You deserve it. Don’t let your past failures make you think that you don’t. You do. You deserve happiness. That’s what 29 years have taught me – I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be treated with love and respect. I expect these things from you. Not expecting these things, will only lead me to further heart-break. I’m not going to be afraid to tell him what I need from him and what I expect of him because I will try the hardest to do the same for him. Don’t be afraid of grandiose fucking love. Expect happiness, expect love, expect loyalty, expect commitment. But always be aware that some people are not ready to feel the same and will never meet those expectations you have for yourself and your relationships. People do not change for others. They never do. If change occurs, it’s for themselves. You might have been part of the catalyst but they want to make a change for them. Know what you want out of something and stop wasting your time trying to make it happen with someone who isn’t willing to put in the work like you are. Have expectations. It’s OK to want to be happy. Just know that not everyone will meet them. At that point, you have a choice to make…