Tag Archives: ambition

Diary Entry- I’m Awake

I’ve never felt normal. Even in my most comfortable state, I’ve always felt like I was never entirely part of what others were doing around me. For almost 30 years, I’ve fought against my own feelings of inadequacy and strived to fit in. Fit into the schedule that life dictates for us – go to school, graduate, get a good job, meet someone, get married, have children and build a family. Be a wife, be a mother, be like everyone else. That’s the prescription for life, right? Build yourself then give yourself to other people. The one thing that I keep asking myself even as I write this is – when did I stop dreaming? When did I start wanting what everyone wants? That perfect life, that perfect family, the perfect job, the expensive house, the expensive car. Is that really what I want? Is that what my life is supposed to amount to? Some people strive in a life of normalcy. To them, this is what life is supposed to be and what life ought to be. They strive in the ordinary nuances of life. They excel in doing what is expected of them. They, unlike me, have it figured out as I sit in a corner jealous of their success.

The thing with me is that I’ve never felt entirely satisfied. I’ve loved people and still felt empty. I’ve been loved and still felt a void. I’m good at my job. I make 6 figures when some of my friends are struggling to get by and yet I feel a profound boredom; a boredom that money or vacations can’t seem to fulfill. Some might call me selfish, ungrateful or even idiotic for feeling this way because I’m entirely blessed and find myself in a position that a lot of ppl are fighting to get to. But what is life if you don’t take risks? An endless loop of monotony. I don’t want to live like that. I don’t want to look back and regret a single day of my existence. I’m tired of having my yesterday look like my today and looking exactly like my tomorrow. Some people are OK with this, some are great at this and most are better than me at this. Me? I can’t. I can’t continue to feel like a sheep in an endless, never-changing pasture. They say that the only person who holds you back from your destiny is you. You are the creator of your future. One day, long ago, I stopped dreaming. One day, long ago, I stopped believing. And ever since then I’ve been a walking zombie going thru the motions of the every day. I no longer wish to do that. I, for the first time in almost 30 years, have begun dreaming again. If your dreams don’t scare you, they’re not big enough. I finally feel like I’ve awaken from my slumber. I’m finally beginning to really feel alive.

In a few months, I will be packing my bags and heading off into the unknown. Am I scared? Absolutely! But I told myself that I would never let fear cripple my vision. Do I know what I’m getting myself into? Hell no. Do I know I will succeed at whatever I end up doing? Abso-fucking-lutely. I never leave room for failure in my life. I fall down 7 times, I get up 8 times. I’m about to go grab life by the balls and it feels good as hell. 

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